Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s Time to Panic

Have you noticed anything odd going on this morning? Oh yes. Let us be the first to tell you that the time to panic is upon us.

ITEM: The New York City subway system suffered an atrocious commute today, with some trains being inexplicably stranded in stations for long periods of time.

ITEM: The website “The Dissolve” folded today.

ITEM: United Airlines was forced to ground all of its flights after its computer system mysteriously stopped working.

ITEM: The New York Stock Exchange suspended trading today after its computerized trading system mysteriously stopped working.

ITEM: Immediately after, the Wall Street Journal’s website mysteriously stopped working.

ITEM: More than 2,500 people in Washington, DC mysteriously lost power.

It seems our nation’s centers of powers are facing a mysterious and spreading collapse.

I choose to panic. If you choose to remain calm, good—I’ll get away ahead of you.

[Pic via]

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